I have discovered today that Life without Healing is a Life without TRUTH so I composed a short poem to express this to you followed by a story of my life experience.
Poem First:
A time in life without healing
is a life in time without feeling
only forgetting
illusions
blinded by the sunlight instead of absorbing the Vitamin D
your body needs
in it's rays
I say all that to explain
the illusions line in this phrase
illusions which mask the true conclusion
the love
the truth
cuz hope is light
light is love
love is truth
and truth is love.
By: Bajá Marie
Now the story...
So I'm re-reading a book I read back in Chicago called "The Sunfood Diet Success System" by David Wolfe. I was a raw-food vegan for 3 consecutive months - from Dec. 2010 to March 2011. Once April hit birthday celebrations began and I fell OFF. But those 3 months were the best I felt in my whole life and that's because I was healing but I didn't know it then.
But now I'm reading this book again in hopes to find that feeling again. That healing. And the first line I read that sticks sooo far out to me is in the introduction where Wolfe quotes a wise adage stating:
"All this struggling to learn, when all we have to do is remember." And Wolfe goes on to say "All the wisdom we require is already within us."
Since reading that line I've been contemplating and finding connections between it's meaning and my life. See I state I'm from Chicago in the premise of this blog because Chicago means so much to me, it shaped me and I despise it. Because it kept me "trapped in the closet" (yes I'm making reference to R. Kelly's song here, Chicago reps him sooo hard it iz real-diculous!!) I got my first job at age 12 and worked consistently every summer from that point to buy my own school supplies and back to school clothes because I felt like a burden growing up in a single parent home. And at age 17 I got a part-time job, to pay my own cell-phone bill, gas, car insurance and rent in my mother's one income home. Witnessing struggling I vowed never to become it but little did I know I was already it. Talk about making a dollar out of 15 cents, Niggah I live that shit.
So as the story continues...there's is more in between these lines...but every story comes with its' own rhyme and in its' own time. At 18 I moved out with tubs of clothes and a car. Same job. I moved to live with a fellow Taurian in the homes from hell. The shit looked like Ida B. Wells, but I was free and we made it home. And I had felt there what I felt in my mother's single income home: Alone. Our friendship existed but it was never alive so I only existed and was never alive because I am the type that feeds off the energy my fellow mirrors provide and she provided me NO-thing so I didn't heal I just grew more ill. I ate only what I could afford and when I couldn't afford I didn't eat. Mostly that consisted of the high sodium and high in sugar sweets. Not to mention the endless supply of green to keep me from seeing what had become of me and when I wasn't numb on green I was numb on my feet: working. I tacked on 2 more jobs and 12 credit hours from a school where in any given bus ride it took me two hours to get there. I went to school in the mornings, worked in the afternoon, worked at night, worked all night - well more like 30 mins of the night (I had a boyfriend then, he wasn't shit then but I did't see it); and woke up early to do it all over again.
Take 3 of this story is my mother cut me off from the already lack thereof nourishment she supplied me and her minions followed unwillingly (I'm referring to her parents, my grandparents maternally). They would often sneak to give me rides and bring me fruit and always encouraged me (seen as IN-couraged) that chanting NAM-MYOHO-RENGE-KYO was the only thing I could do. So I did, I chanted walking down the streets in hopes the Latin Kings wouldn't see me. (sometimes they did but mostly I was indeed protected) Chanted in my room to keep the mice in the other room. (sometimes they still came but for the most part they stayed away I only found two in my room) Chanted in the living room, in the dark, in hopes light would soon find me and it did.
In 2008, I moved away from the kid and I got my own space. A studio apartment. More like a cell but I thought maybe now I could heal. And I started. Went down to working one job. Got my own gohonzon (the scroll we Nichiren Buddhists of the SGI Buddhist Organization pray to. It acts as our mirror). Went vegetarian and lost 20lbs. Bought a juicer, read books, watched movies, took walks while feeling safe and even had company that I didn't have to go and pick up they would just come to me, though the downfall was they always like to come in me. Shaking my head at myself then. They named the pill Plan B after me!!
But anywayz that was just a phase that took place in the span of this time. I was healing but the pace was too slow and I didn't have much time. Feeling rushed was all I felt so I decided to give up. I went back to may ways which means I worked to much, stayed paying for other motherfuckers in order to stay paid. And I laid in bed never to rest, only to give head. Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't interpret this as me saying I was a prostitute, cuz I know that's what niggahs like to do, only taking things for literal, never digging deeper or questioning the obvious. And when I say niggahs I do mean all colors, shapes & figures, not just black folks. But NO! I worked a legit ass 9-5 that loved me and I loved them and I worked my ass off for them. But they never really gave me credit, and while working off my ass for them I was taking between 16 and 18 credits. Hours birthed hours and time blew by as I continued to dabble in purple haze and vegetable pot pies for all 4 years of college it was "mine". And I've always wanted to be a hoe but I decided I'd only be a hoe for my man so with that notion I stayed in relationships. And when I say "I always wanted to be a hoe", I mean a hoe in the way that we grow and plant things. Sharing love abundantly because love has always been abundantly within me. But I showed it the wrong way so I always received the wrong things.
I hope you are still following me...Fast forwarding during the time span of 2008-2010. I went back to all the things that prolounged my disease. I lent, I mean spent (lend is when it's given back, it wasn't. I walked down one-way streets going against traffic my whole life) money on Mommy, John (my lil bro/son), Moppie (maternal grandmother), friends and the men I thought were the one. And my bill (meaning me) was ill, blind, sick and pretending so good to be none of it. But I was thick. That was the only way you could tell. But big-business had blended thickness with attractiveness instead of sickness so I just blended in with it.
Now here I am, officially a citizen of the Inglewood-Los Angeles area. Every morning, afternoon and evening I here planes fly by and I take lessons so that I too can soon fly by. I told my daddy this morning that I appreciate him letting me be a bum in his home. That I came here as I wounded being and this was my time to heal. He understood, long before I did, he understood. Because he was there through it all, but I didn't see, all I saw was his distance from me. I share this story with you to say that just because you have eyes doesn't mean you see things CLEARLY. That's why they having the saying "Even Stevie Wonder can see" Cuz that man can see!!! See things clearer than you and me. Because when he lost his sight he was healed.
Now now! don't go blowing your eyes out. You can heal without such drastic effort. But that doesn't mean drastic effort shouldn't be taken. Today in Inglewood-LA I am a 100% raw-food vegan, I live in a two-income household, I have no jobs, earned all my school credits, plenty of wealth but Im not paid, it's given. No love withheld so love I'm giving. And I started this blog in Inglewood-LA to be the hoe I've always wanted to be and be giving.
So I hope you can make parallels with my story and understand that our lives are not apart from one another only parallels. Mirrors to other dimensions of how our story can go if we take control. Also, I want you to know that at our core we are all raw energy but energy can only be used with the right facility (facility in this case being your human body). You have all the powers to heal inside of you as I do. And healing is not impossible cuz I'm doing it! Something I always hoped but never thought I'd get a chance to do and now I'm Feeling. And I gotta say if you're not feeling. You're not living.
I was born April 21, 1989. I died at age 8 and came alive at age 22. If I can do it so can you!
(And if your wondering about the age 8 reference, I got a rhyme and story for that too but I'll save it for a later date)
I pray that you have happy times and love-full days.
In sunny days I pray.
I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment